Trapped

To all the voices in my head;

personality, sub-personalities, or whatever you are called,

please be silent.

Stop pushing me around.

I need to come out and live;

You can't forever keep me underground

What is your problem? Why are you so scared?

Why do you wrestle me down and choke me to death?

I have had enough of you, all of my life!

I won't budge this time,

I will fight you with all my might.

I have tried to meet you with kindness and love;

spoken, negotiated, in the gentlest of words.

I thought you understood, how hiding isn't the way;

I thought we were in this together, you as my ally.

But I see you again as the slithering serpent that you are;

a monster raising its hood, ready to strike me down

I am scared of your power, unleashed over me,

and of all the sleepless nights you told me what I couldn't be.

I have listened and obliged to all your lies;

stayed inside your boundaries, ignoring my own cries.

But, I can't ignore the Call that comes from deep within

asking me to step out and meet it with Everything;

I breach the boundaries and step to the unknown

you be my ally or enemy (I don’t care), I will do this on my own!

The Darkness out here seems like a familiar friend;

this uncharted terrain feels exhilarating

I dance, I sing, I jump in joy.

It's exciting, liberating, to come alive!

I run towards You; my heart starts racing

I tumble, I fumble; make mistakes - but that's what learning is!

Alas! One mistake and it's all undone;

the voices come back,

pull me back,

screaming at me:

“This ain't your thing!

Can't you understand? Mistakes are failures; just stop this madness and hide in shame!

You are not brave enough, this ain't your game.

Come, I will keep you safe in that familiar cage

where no one would enter and you need no courage"

I sigh, I cry, I fight, I roar

I want to step down

I can't take this anymore!

But I hear the Call; so faint yet pure

'Step out my dear - it's worth it all'

I close my ears and shut the door,

I shout I cry – “I want to go numb, I want to go numb, I just can't take this anymore!”

'Step out my dear- it's worth it all'

"Just go away! I can't do this anymore!"

Fight me, hurt me, numb me, do all that you can

but this voice is your own; you just can't run.

As long as you live, you will hear me call:

Stop hiding and step out - it's worth it all.

Step out my dear – it’s worth it all!'

Step out my dear - It’s worth it all!'

Sumana is a 37-year-old pursuing an M.A. in Psychology from IGNOU. Nature has been her solace and writing, her soul. These are two gateways through which she understands herself and the world around her.