Abyss

Abyss;

a thought, a feeling, or a knowing?

Sitting by the office desk, tapping on the keyboards, replying to a mail,

unable to comprehend, unable to ignore

anymore

this feeling, this hollowness, that’s been with me for

a few years;

I can sense how it’s now,

reaching its epitome...

But what does it want me to do?

Why has it stayed this long?

Why does it disrupt my life,

and keep lingering around?

I have been the good girl;

have tried to stick by the rules,

study, graduate, get a good job,

help and support the family,

and that is how you grow…

But I feel too tired and worked up,

and it’s all getting mundane.

Well! It's all part of life, dear!

Look at your father, he has worked at the same place for 30 years!

I try to find my way around.

Maybe a new job, a new workplace, a new team

might do the trick? I believe

I will find a new light

and once and for all,

find an answer to the darkness within.

Now here I am…

at my new office, tapping on the keyboards, replying to a mail,

the hollowness growing deeper,

everything inside me still feels the same…

I feel lost, empty – without purpose;

desperate to find a way!

I turn to books and stories of others

where I am reminded of the ‘little me’;

the one who laughed and ran and climbed,

completely wild and free!

Oh, how a few trees, hills and forests,

sparked the explorer in me!

I pack my bags and head to the further lands,

not knowing why I'm doing this,

what I am looking for,

or even what this emptiness means!

Few friends to hold as company,

I board a bus to the mountains

and soon I fall asleep –

A loud roar…gush…

jolts me wide awake!

I stare through the windows,

dumbfounded

at a wild river

Raw, Unforgiving, Untamed

cutting through the rocky mountains

making its own way.

The pleasure, the zeal, the joy

with which she flowed,

dancing… loving… living…

with every bit of life she holds!

Bedazzled, awoken,

my being

like a wildflower on a burnt forest floor;

something blossomed in me –

How do I describe it?

I don't know anymore…

The silence of the mountains,

the howling cold winds,

the gurgling wild rivers,

the wilderness in it all

spoke to the spaces in me

that had never been heard before.

I believe

abyss…

emptiness…

hollowness…

are spaces in us that keep knocking,

trying to wake us up from a deep slumber,

that we unknowingly confine ourselves to

thinking we are too small, too little, too restricted

to live it all!

As a slight knock,

a gentle push,

or at times

as a deep gorge,

pulling us down and under

or a blaring roar

trying to tell us,

in its own way:

Wake up,

You are much more!

Wake up,

You are much more…!

This Night Owl Original has been authored by Sumana. She is a 37-year-old pursuing an M.A. in Psychology from IGNOU. Nature has been her solace and writing, her soul. These are two gateways through which she understands herself and the world around her.