a thought, a feeling, or a knowing?
Sitting by the office desk, tapping on the keyboards, replying to a mail,
unable to comprehend, unable to ignore
this feeling, this hollowness, that’s been with me for
a few years;
I can sense how it’s now,
reaching its epitome...
But what does it want me to do?
Why has it stayed this long?
Why does it disrupt my life,
and keep lingering around?
I have been the good girl;
have tried to stick by the rules,
study, graduate, get a good job,
help and support the family,
and that is how you grow…
But I feel too tired and worked up,
and it’s all getting mundane.
Well! It's all part of life, dear!
Look at your father, he has worked at the same place for 30 years!
I try to find my way around.
Maybe a new job, a new workplace, a new team
might do the trick? I believe
I will find a new light
and once and for all,
find an answer to the darkness within.
Now here I am…
at my new office, tapping on the keyboards, replying to a mail,
the hollowness growing deeper,
everything inside me still feels the same…
I feel lost, empty – without purpose;
desperate to find a way!
I turn to books and stories of others
where I am reminded of the ‘little me’;
the one who laughed and ran and climbed,
completely wild and free!
Oh, how a few trees, hills and forests,
sparked the explorer in me!
I pack my bags and head to the further lands,
not knowing why I'm doing this,
what I am looking for,
or even what this emptiness means!
Few friends to hold as company,
I board a bus to the mountains
and soon I fall asleep –
A loud roar…gush…
jolts me wide awake!
I stare through the windows,
at a wild river
Raw, Unforgiving, Untamed
cutting through the rocky mountains
making its own way.
The pleasure, the zeal, the joy
with which she flowed,
dancing… loving… living…
with every bit of life she holds!
like a wildflower on a burnt forest floor;
something blossomed in me –
How do I describe it?
I don't know anymore…
The silence of the mountains,
the howling cold winds,
the gurgling wild rivers,
the wilderness in it all
spoke to the spaces in me
that had never been heard before.
are spaces in us that keep knocking,
trying to wake us up from a deep slumber,
that we unknowingly confine ourselves to
thinking we are too small, too little, too restricted
to live it all!
As a slight knock,
a gentle push,
or at times
as a deep gorge,
pulling us down and under
or a blaring roar
trying to tell us,
in its own way:
You are much more!
You are much more…!
This Night Owl Original has been authored by Sumana. She is a 37-year-old pursuing an M.A. in Psychology from IGNOU. Nature has been her solace and writing, her soul. These are two gateways through which she understands herself and the world around her.